Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy is an act of will rather than a feeling. It is an act of love at times when you cannot fully understand another’s experience, but know their experience is a valid one.

Cognitive empathy is sometimes used pejoratively…something “narcissists” employ because they lack, or are incapable ofh, true empathy. I would argue that cognitive empathy be given more respect than that.

It can be very challenging to understand another person’s perspective, when their life experience, or their emotional make up, greatly differs from yours. Cognitive empathy is a way to bridge that gap. It is a gift you give to that person when you can’t entirely feel their pain, but wish you could. It is a way of saying to them, “I cannot feel what you feel right now because my own experience of life has been so different from yours, but I can imagine what you are feeling and I offer you my support and my sincere effort to put myself in your shoes. I want to understand where you are coming from, in spite of my own limitations”. That is cognitive empathy at its best.

I grew up in a supportive home - but with a “survival of the fittest” ethos. Emotions were not necessarily frowned upon, but neither were they embraced or allowed much time to be expressed. If I had to into words my family’s ethos, the words below might sum it up:

“Life is hard, we all suffer, but we all need to survive. Everyone must contribute and pull their own weight…if your emotions are slowing us down, take a brief moment, but then put them aside. Anyway, you are a winner, and nothing will stop you once you put your mind to it.”

My work as an adult has been to expand on that, to give others emotions more room for expression. Learning to understand and truly feel for others can be hard if your brain’s developmental nursery did not support feeling and expressing emotions. So, I sometimes must start with cognitive empathy, and hope that it will crack open the door to emotional empathy for those I am close to. I think it can be appropriate to keep your boundaries strong with people who are not in your inner circles. Having too much emotional empathy can leave you vulnerable to others taking advantage of you (I’ve had that experience as well). It is striking the balance between empathy and boundaries, that is so challenging, but necessary, I believe, for your own spiritual development and inner peace.